


My Wave, Your Wave

by Tamakoharu_matuer



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Developing Relationship, ES episode 11 is gonna hurt even more after that, Haru's POV, M/M, Romance, Separation Anxiety, canonverse, i still don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 14:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19832110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamakoharu_matuer/pseuds/Tamakoharu_matuer
Summary: "He knows he is running away from everything: from his future, from his best friend, from reality.He wants this reality to end. He wants Makoto to come find him and say this is all a dream, a nightmare Haru will wake up from. He doesn’t want to believe he has to make a life-changing choice, or that the person he cares the most about in the world made his own choice without him."





	My Wave, Your Wave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hicchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hicchan/gifts).



> I am actually very anxious to post this story because I have 0 confidence, but the amazing and lovely @kawaiisumi helped so much I could never thank her enough.  
> This is a fic written for my dear @Hicchan who once requested the prompt "Haru confesses his feelings to Makoto". I first intended to write some fluffy aquarium date, but I somehow ended up with... this.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy the efforts of a crazy fan who still struggles a lot with English _(:3」∠)_

Fireworks launch and shatter high in a rainbow of colors in Iwatobi’s night sky, as to celebrate the news.

“I’m going to a university in Tokyo.”

Makoto's words stab straight through his chest; a sharp knife ripping his heart apart as he realizes his best friend has been hiding the truth from him. His mind goes blank, unable to find any reason for Makoto’s silence until now. It becomes difficult for Haru to breathe, as if his lungs were being compressed inside of him. His heart is beating so fast he wonders if he is going to die, and all the thoughts that cross his mind at that exact moment make him wonder if he is going crazy.

Why didn’t Makoto tell him? Why did he hide the truth all this time? Was he not reliable enough to know about Makoto’s future? Is he not good enough for Makoto anymore?

He briefly reminisces the other day; Makoto probably intended to talk about his own future, not Haru’s.  
Before Makoto can say more, Haru runs away after yelling at him to do whatever he wants… for all he cares. And he knows he cares too much.

It doesn’t take him long to reach the entrance to his empty house. He is panting, focusing on regulating his breathing to avoid bursting into tears.

The truth is he hoped Makoto would chase him. The truth is he wished Makoto had stopped him from running away. He knows he is running away from everything: from his future, from his best friend, from reality.  
He wants this reality to end. He wants Makoto to come find him and say this is all a dream, a nightmare Haru will wake up from. He doesn’t want to believe he has to make a life-changing choice, or that the person he cares the most about in the world made his own choice without him.

He feels panic rising inside him once more when he catches himself trying to picture his life without Makoto. It is impossible. It is the first time he is confronted to such a frightening thought, and the only way he finds to chase the panic away is to dash to the bathroom.  
He enters the room and stares at the empty bathtub with a lost look in his eyes. He feels the need to cool his mind and body right now, but he understands water won’t be enough to wash his problems away. What is even the point of getting in the water if Makoto is not here to pull him out anymore? He slams the sliding door of the bathroom and heads to his bedroom, looking for anything that can help him take his mind off things. The old CD player left on a corner of his desk draws his attention and he recalls the CD that is supposedly inside: a relaxation compilation of soft music mixed with sounds of waves and chirping birds. He used to listen to it to put himself to sleep, but this time it doesn’t work. He tries to listen to all the tracks, expecting at least one to work on his mind and make him calm down, but none manage to wipe off the suffocating feeling that numbs his entire body. Why is this time different from all the others?

At that moment Makoto’s words resonate inside him more vehemently: “I’m going to a university in Tokyo… I just couldn’t find a way to say it.” His chest hurts so badly he can’t help but curl up into his sheets, wishing for all the pain to go away and he eventually falls asleep while thinking of a way to face Makoto again.

\- - - 

The next day, Rin shows up at his house and takes him to Australia, without giving him the chance to do anything except pack three shirts and a pair of pants. It is probably for the best though. Haru still doesn’t have anything good enough in mind to tell Makoto so this trip is certainly a chance to think about himself, his future, his life. He realizes he has always seen Makoto as an essential part of his life, and he can’t imagine his future without Makoto in it.

As long as he can recall, Makoto has always been there for him. Haru was the one who reached out a hand to help Makoto on the playground first, but if he is honest with himself, it is Makoto who has helped him during all these years. Makoto is the one who gave meaning to his existence and made it better. He used to let himself be carried by Makoto’s choices and as long as it made Makoto smile, Haru was fine. Makoto being happy meant he was happy too. But right now, he is confronted with a choice he has to make for himself, by himself, and he realizes he is alone and lost. Without Makoto, what will he become?

He does his best to contain his emotions from bursting out and being noticed by Rin, but he starts to wonder: is it really normal to feel that way towards a friend? But Makoto is not a friend, Makoto is Makoto. If he had to describe their relationship, it would probably be what people call “best friends”. Are best friends supposed to drift apart eventually? If so, is he supposed to feel so bad about it?

After an awfully long flight, Rin decides to take Haru to his favorite places in Sydney in an attempt to put a smile on Haru’s sad face. Haru is clearly not in the mood to play tourists, but he silently follows Rin. Being with him right now soothes Haru’s heart in ways he doesn’t understand. He is okay as long as he is not left alone.

After a long ride, they finally reach their destination. As he gets off the bus, Haru smells salt in the air and hears a familiar sound that instantly warms his heart. It reminds him of Iwatobi; it is the same sound he hears everyday when he walks home with Makoto by his side.

After the bus leaves he can finally have a clear view over the waves crawling on the sand, reflecting the sun along with the blue of the winter sky. 

“What do you think?” Rin asks, “I figured a place where you could see the ocean would help you relax.”

Haru is surprised by the thoughtful attention, and even if taking a look at the waves isn’t enough to wash away his sorrow, their melody eases the weight on his chest. 

Haru realizes he misses him.

He sits on the cold sand and wraps his arms around his legs in an attempt to warm himself from the cool sea breeze. Glancing timidly at Rin, he wonders how he always manages to look so confident and sincere about himself; whether his emotions or his dream. So Haru eventually decides to share his doubts.

“It’s probably weird coming from me but…” the more he thinks about it the more he hesitates to voice it. “How do you see my relationship... with Makoto?” Rin freezes, astounded by the question. It is the first time he is asked such an intimate question by Haru. “I mean… I don’t know what to think anymore. Are we still ‘best friends’?” Haru aches with loneliness. He never thought he would question the bond he has with Makoto, the one person he has always trusted. It has always felt so comfortable, so right. But now everything has become so confusing and convoluted, he doesn’t know what to think anymore. It takes Rin aback for a few seconds before he sighs exasperatedly. 

“Haru, I can’t believe you haven’t noticed yet…” Hearing that phrase from Rin feels like a jolt through Haru’s body. What can be so obvious that it makes Rin feel the need to imply he is an idiot? “Your relationship with Makoto goes far beyond that. You’re connected to each other. Don’t tell me you never realized it?”

No, he didn’t. Or rather, Haru had never really thought about it before. Everything between them felt so natural and clear until yesterday, he never felt the need to reflect on the nature of their relationship. Rin notices Haru’s pondering face and tries to help his own Rin-like way. “I’m not the one who should tell you that, Haru. I think you need to find the answer by yourself.” Rin blushes, while adjusting his cap in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. “For God’s sake, you and Makoto are so annoying…”

\- - -

On the plane back to Tokyo, Makoto’s words are still floating in his mind.  
“You should find that dream, and go flying into the outside world to follow it! You have the ability to do that!” 

Haru never thought it could be so simple to find a dream. He always thought he was not concerned by something so childish. Dreams weren’t made for him. He has always lived his life one day at a time, always constant, never needing to worry about the future. So naturally, being confronted with such a decision is frightening, and even now that he has found his dream, he is not sure he will be able to realize it fully. But he knows deep inside he wants to try.

Now that he has found it, he hopes the other answers he is looking for will come his way. He wants to explore the world, swim to see how vast it is, but he realizes he doesn’t want to experience it on his own. He wants Makoto to be by his side, he wants both of them to see the same view the day Haru aims for the world. He feels the urge to tell Makoto all of this. He wants to see Makoto again and talk about everything he saw in Australia, everything he learned about himself during the trip and what he imagines his future will be like. Haru can feel his heart beat strongly in his chest and loudly in his ears, the excitement giving him confidence to face what is waiting for him.

When the plane lands, Haru wishes the flight had lasted a few more hours. He couldn’t sleep, and he wondered the whole time whether it was because of excitement or apprehension.

Rin leads the way to pick up his bag before heading to the passport control zone. Haru is relieved he only has to show his passport to get back in the country; the process he had to follow at Sydney’s airport was disturbing enough for a guy who can hardly speak a word of English.

They finally reach the arrival hall and make their way through the crowd when Haru hears a familiar voice calling his name. He could recognize this voice anywhere, and all the courage he built up during the flight flees in an instant. He feels a knot in his stomach, a chill going through his spine.   
As Makoto’s voice resonates in the huge hall, Rin walks in his direction to greet him. Haru follows while trying to put on a neutral face, but there is no use. He can’t hide how overwhelmed he feels and freezes in front of Makoto. What did he want to tell him again? Shouldn’t he apologize for everything he told him the other day? Or maybe greet him as if nothing happened? He wants to tell Makoto so many things at once, but nothing comes out. He hesitates, stutters, and comes to the realization that he can’t voice anything for the moment. He is still scared, for reasons he doesn’t fully understand himself. He can feel in his heart there are so many things he wants to share with Makoto, but he needs more time and more courage to reflect on them and convey them properly. 

He hears Makoto calling his name and instinctively raises his gaze up for their eyes to meet.

“Haru… welcome home.”

“I’m back.”

\- - - 

A year passes and Haru doesn’t get the chance to have a moment to tell Makoto what is weighing down on his heart. The graduation, the moving to Tokyo, the whole new student life, the hard training... there are just too many things to get used to. It overwhelms Haru and gives him an excuse to himself to delay the talk. His heart knows he still has to do it, but his brain always finds loopholes to trick him into avoiding it.

Even if Haru came with him to Tokyo, Makoto is following his own path now and Haru has no right to interfere with such egoistic thoughts. Since they started living on their own, Haru figures out this is the life that awaits them.

He wants to be with Makoto. It is why he always invites him to have dinner at his place after Makoto’s part-time job. Makoto never declines the offer and it comforts Haru; it makes him feel like things could stay like that forever, enjoying the few moments of bliss their new lives offer them. But anxiety always reminds Haru no matter how hard he tries to stay close to Makoto, they are both busy, struggling and building their future.

“Their” future?

Haru is following the dream he has found by training hard and pouring his soul into becoming the best version of himself, but is it worth it if Makoto isn’t by his side to share it with him? Growing apart for the sake of his career... working hard to survive in this alienating society... settling down to become ordinary... and eventually have a family.

A family.

Haru has never paid attention to the meaning of this word until now. He feels like he doesn’t exactly understand its meaning, so how is he supposed to start one someday? He doesn’t relate to the concept, but it is not as if he holds a grudge against his parents for leaving him to his grandma’s care during the most important years of his childhood. He always had Makoto by his side and he thought that would always be the case. Growing apart as they are evolving and changing… it is how life goes after all, there is nothing that can be done. 

Haru tries to keep in mind that “Makoto is Makoto” no matter how much he changes. But his heart can’t help aching when he imagines a future without Makoto. Because Makoto helps him live rather than exist, Makoto helps him breathe when he suffocates, Makoto helps him find his way home whenever he is lost.

“Aah…” Haru sighs, “so that’s it?”

\- - -

The first day of All-Japan Invitational is over and the sun is setting on Tokyo Bay, painting the sky in a million purple nuances and the buildings in a warm orange, making Odaiba sea sparkle one last time before it disappears on the horizon.

Makoto has found a new dream and he fondly shares it with Rin and Haru. A dream that will help them stay together longer in life. It is a surprise, a new hope, a gift Haru wasn’t expecting but that brings him so much joy his heart could burst. He feels the urge to scream out all these emotions he has been holding inside, as to say goodbye to his old self and welcome a new one, strong enough to face his own feelings.  
He runs to meet the sea to refresh his body and mind, not even bothering to undress before diving in. Rin and Makoto join him without a second thought, which genuinely fills Haru’s expression with bliss. He enjoys this intimate moment, forgetting about his worries for a brief instant.

It quickly gets dark and chilly, and the three of them are drenched, clothes sticking to their skin. They can barely dry now that the sun is set, but Rin has to go celebrate his first qualification.

“Sorry guys, I need to go find Sousuke! He invited me to a place that makes some great katsudon, so I can’t be late. Haru, Makoto, see you tomorrow!”

They wave Rin goodbye then look at each other to tell they have the same idea in mind. “Let’s go, Haru.” Makoto says with his usual soft voice, smiling so brightly that Haru thinks another sun could be born from it.

On their way to Haru’s apartment, they stop by the nearest convenience store to buy a few ingredients so they can cook mixed rice together. Haru is as quiet as usual, but Makoto notices the subtle nuances in his mannerisms.

When they step in the apartment, Makoto puts the grocery bags on the kitchen counter while Haru grabs towels from the bathroom so they can dry their hair. He hands Makoto his favorite green towel before he breaks the silence of the room.

“Haru… are you feeling anxious about tomorrow?”

The question makes Haru startle in surprise. He was not expecting Makoto to ask such a question so boldly. Everything that happened these past days has been so overwhelming for him, he feels far more than he thinks he can handle. He is happy for Makoto, but also frustrated about his own defeat today, and anxious to death about the feelings he has been holding in for too long now.

“Makoto... I need to tell you something.”

Makoto seems curious but also worried. “What is it, Haru?” 

Haru steps back to properly face Makoto and look at him in the eyes to find the courage to speak. But he feels too intimidated and embarrassed to keep eye contact, so he ends up looking down as he starts talking.

“There’s something I’ve been keeping to myself for a long time now...”

He hesitates a long moment; he doesn’t know if he can do it after all. Makoto remains calm and silent, waiting patiently for Haru to gather his thoughts. Haru understands he can’t go back anymore, he has to do it. 

“You know... when you talked about your own dream after I came back from Australia... I was really happy for you.” As the words come out of his mouth, he has the certainty he can do it. “You love kids and I thought it probably was the best way you could envision your future. But as the school year came to an end, I began to become too conscious of how much our lives were changing, and that even if we moved here together, nothing would be the same anymore. That’s a fear that started to eat me from inside... It started the day you told me you were going to study in a university here. I was scared, I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like without you. I felt I was going to lose you... We’ve grown up together, we’ve shared everything since ever and all of it was supposed to end all of a sudden? I couldn’t accept that... But I found a dream of my own too, and it really was as easy as you suggested. But what I also realized is that there is no point making that dream come true if you’re not by my side. There is no point for me to continue on this path if you’re not with me. I finally understood that... It may sound selfish, but no matter how happy I was for you, the truth is that I’ve been living with the fear of seeing you fade from my life eventually. That’s why… that’s why hearing you say earlier that you want to become a trainer and take care of me and Rin made me incredibly happy! I felt an unbearable weight was lifted from my chest, because it means our paths will stay connected, right?”

He tries to catch his breath. He can only feel how dry his throat is and how sweaty his hands are. He wipes them on his pants and finally dares look up to see Makoto’s expression.

Makoto gives Haru the most tender gaze. “Yes, Haru. We will always be together.”

He stares at Haru, paying attention to all the emotions animating his features at this exact moment.

Makoto continues, his cheeks turning redder at every word he utters. “To be totally honest with you, there is one reason that convinced me to reshape my dream... It’s true that I want to become someone who’ll help athletes, athletes like you and Rin... But it’s always been you. You’ve always been the one I wanted to take care of, Haru.”

Haru feels his heart is about to explode. These are the words he has wanted to hear for so long, but he was unsure if he would ever hear them one day. This is all he needs to find the confidence to dive into his own future and swim the road that will lead him to the world.

What Haru is experiencing now is not just relief; it is the joy of finding meaning to his life again. His chest aches, but not like the night he thought he lost Makoto forever. It is the exact opposite: he is so thankful to have Makoto in his life. He feels so blessed he could cry.

“I just didn’t want to be separated from you. I’ve always been happy to simply have you by my side. I’ve never planned to ask for more but, Makoto… the truth is…”

Haru hides his eyes behind his bangs. He doesn’t want Makoto to see his face nor does he want to see Makoto’s when he says it.

“The truth is I think… I love you.”

There is another silence. Haru is still too scared to look up and see Makoto’s reaction. Haru is shaking, inside and out.

Makoto finally replies, with his usual caring voice. “I love you too, Haru-chan.”

Haru panics. “No, I don’t mean it like that! It’s…” He takes a deep breath, “it’s probably not in a friend way. Makoto, I want to have you with me in the most important moments: when I win, when I lose, when I’m happy, when I’m upset… I want to be able to share all that with you. I want to come home to you every day and realize every night how lucky I am to have you in my life.”

“And I promise you I’ll be there. Every day and every night, I will never leave your side.” Makoto gets closer to cup Haru’s cheek in his hand. “Because as I said, Haru, I love you too.”

Haru finally understands. He can’t hold his tears back anymore; he lets them flow, because they are made of happiness and happiness only. Makoto embraces Haru without trying to stop his tears; he accepts each of them rolling against his chest as if they were the most precious things in the world.

When Haru feels brave enough to look Makoto in the eyes, he asks. “As long as we’re together, Makoto will always be Makoto, right?”

As a reply, Makoto holds Haru tight and kisses his lips softly. He delicately entangles his finger in Haru’s hair while Haru grips his cardigan, holding on for dear life. Makoto’s lips taste as Haru always unconsciously imagined them: sweet, smooth and warm. They are like Makoto itself and Haru feels hopelessly drawn to them. Haru needs Makoto like he needs the sun and he manages for the first time in his life to convey his feelings properly. Nothing will be the same between them anymore, because they are now connected by an unbreakable bond.

Haru doesn’t fear his future anymore and is ready to face the entire world. For he has the certainty Makoto will always be with him. For he knows that by Makoto’s side, he will never become an ordinary person. And he is okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! If you liked it, please consider leaving a kudo and (also) a little comment (maybe)? (;w;)


End file.
